can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
