he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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