I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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