so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
