i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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