She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
