At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
