I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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