bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
