Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
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Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
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I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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