Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
