I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
