They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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