Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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