I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
