We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
