Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
