Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
3 2 1 whiskey
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
