RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
