So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
