i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
