i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
