And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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