I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
