We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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