I wish my penis had an off switch
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
