So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
