I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
