He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
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and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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