i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
