yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
