I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
