i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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