i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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