The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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