the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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