I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
