2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
