mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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