She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
