I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
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Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
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Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize