haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
