i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
