I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
