ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
