I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
