I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
