Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Two words: blizzard sex
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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