dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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