now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
