God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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