no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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