I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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