yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
