Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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