You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
There r osticjed everywhere
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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